31st post - Ya Rabb, you have taught me to seek your signs and guidance, sometimes embedded in a little heart's whispers.. "if it is not true what others are saying, why then let it eat my gut out?" bygones. as what a friend would said, LET IT GO. *cue channeling inner Qayyum-ness* this was one of the reason that leaving everything for Tareem was an easy choice; cuz i was not surrounded by walking examples to shine a light to my questions.. questions i didn't even know needed to be answered.

even after a year, i still amuse myself with, "welcome back Dora" self-sniggers in my heart when facing walking contradictions. of course, it is my own heart's filth that caused me to see or experience these -i won't deny that- and so i just well, let it go and let Allah deal with it. my main concern is always what is my current state in my relationship with Allah? if that is on track.. all else will. though in my worst of moments i would appease myself by saying, "Allah Yahdesh! i will claim all their good deeds from all that fitnah.." yet this would then be an instant dora-tolong-istighfar moment when i would breathe, reflect and of course chide myself with...

"like, seriously babe.. if you didn't have that in your heart, how could you have ever known it was gossip or fitnah or primitive thinking of such elementary most narrow mindedness of a society who should REALLY like ahhhmaGawddd step outta this small dot to experience well, life." 

yes i did utter that under a single murmured breath. i have this talent it seems. that "talent" used to be loud and verbalised.. now, im old calmer. it is now easier to let go -i think- by just mumbling a fret.

alrighty. with THAT outta my system.

the annoying gut -literally in my gut- wrenching is still here. well, i think this is the jittery gut wrench talking with regards to a slight yet whole other matter. it did get quite bad earlier.. but that i realised was due to well, THAT. i know it is bad when i would, in the middle of nothingness of the day, reach for my Khulasoh and recite the du'as from the ratib of Sheikh Abu Bakr bin Salim (may Allah be pleased with his soul) to appease whatever unease i am experiencing. it just takes me to Inat.. THE Inat. where the ah-hah moment Allah has gifted me lingers in my heart.. where i learnt -the bleedy hard way- that hardships, when arrived at your doorstep, are not meant to stay.. they are meant to pass. the learning lesson and ease after patience has been grittingly put in place, will come. it just will. #saborje

i am jittery for i have this overwhelming feeling i am on the verge of making another big decision of my life. the 1st was to Tareem and now in continuation from Tareem.. of keeping my dreams alive.. a dream i never thought i would still have. Allah is Amazing. just when i thought, ok, im good.. i'v pursued my goal and now back to normality.. which i actually am content and grateful for. 

and then out of the blue, a slip-up from an unknown and subhanAllah BAM!!! a nudge out of nowhere that my dream can be my reality again.. for a lack of a better term, upgraded.. the Arabic language, the language of Al-Quran.. of the people of Jannah.. the chosen language.. how could i forget the sweet taste of conversing with it? Ya Mu'min.. when Allah opens your eyes.. HE opens it with your heart and so it seems well, HUGE. at least to me *hyperventilates* 

see, when you take a leap of faith just once and return from it awoken.. Ya Allah, you just wanna do it again! its not an addiction.. it is that heartwarming assurance that Allah will take care of you. period. i want to experience the world for the best of my akhirah again but this time; accompanied, mashaAllah. Ya Baasit' make ease for us. Amin Ya Rabbal 'Alamin.

WHEN YOUR INTUITION SIGNALS THAT YOU'VE FOUND 

SOMETHING OR SOMEONE TRULY RIGHT FOR YOU 

THE CHOICE BECOMES STRANGELY EASY... Courtney Helgoe