30th post - the Dowra group are en-route home.. such fortunate ones mashaAllah. their steps are winged with honour.. their dhikir tenfold.. their du'a stamped APPROVED. that last part is priceless. being a traveler is one; being a student of knowledge travelling in search of knowledge.. mashaAllah mashaAllah mashaAllah.

and soon they will reach the shores of Singapore. the familiar spotless airport.. the expected hour-long ICA friendly questioning (oh come on they are just doing their job to protect the country).. the relieved faces of your loved ones behind the glass wall as you wait patiently at the luggage belt for your seasoned belongings that bear remnants of the deserts of Yemen, Oman and -in my case- Dubai. 

days will turn to months and you wonder to yourself, "did I actually go to Tareem?" shouldn't i then be better? where is my weekly khatam.. my rapid speed Al-Quran memorisation.. my frequent attendance in gatherings of sacred knowledge.. my strict segregation with the opposite gender.. my tongue control.. my simple -and minimal- food intake.. my all black garb.. my niqab.. my subha.. my siwak.. my sadness if i didn't spend luxurious time at tahajjud.. and slowly comes the blame game of "haizz.. its not Tareem".. then a sense of despair starts setting in..

snap out of it and move on striving to be better.

#jihaadatunnafs

if you sigh to Habib Ali Al-Jifri about not being in Tareem, his soothing aura of a smile will be followed by his words of wisdom one's heart melts upon hearing, "Tareem is in your heart.. you carry it wherever you go." and i believe him.

it takes extra effort to maintain the quality of your ibadah. im saying quality not quantity. never be confuse between the two. its awesome though if you feel your ibadah is lacking from the time you were in Tareem. it keeps riya' at bay.. Allah is taking care of your heart. it keeps you hoping for Allah's mercy despite the lack of ibadah you are doing cuz really, your deeds are never the cause of goodness in your life.. it is always Allah's generousity and mercy upon us.

ultimately there will be a time one would feel so detached because guilt hovers around your heart due to the lack of everything in comparison with what you had/did in Tareem so much so it strays you from having husno dzon towards Allah and from being grateful for the now that you have.. na'udzubillahi min dzalik. its these times -though easier said than done- that one should push to make du'a.. to be lifted from despair and have sabr (patience). why? cuz gems will appear.

GEM of a stranger in the bus engrossed in his Al-Quran recitations.. handphone screen clear with a page of Al-Quran, his lips moving silently. GEM of a friend who initially thought of getting lunch but upon hearing the adhan, nonchalantly said, "Allah dah panggil, kita mesti layan.. jom solat.." or GEM of suddenly being told the story in Surah Al-Qasas of the two girls Nabi Musa a.s. helped when they were trying to let their flock drink from the well. the girls were working shepherds as their father -due to old age- can't work but they maintained their hayaa' in that "working world".. and of course my hadith dose from dear GEM named Thana way out in Manchester every Friday morning.. YaRabb Alhamdulillah.. gems Allah allows me to witness to soothe my heart.. THOSE are my Tareem.

and like Tareem, they are aids to get to Allah. your goal is always Allah, never something else.

yes, its a different environment. in Tareem, everybody strives to do good and strives even harder to keep it a secret.. here, you have to cringe in silence every time you see someone "checking in" at a masjid via their social media or when one argues about the khilaf in ahkam and tries to decipher Al-Quran by mere translations hoping to garner attention for being "knowledgeable" or "pious". you then remember lessons from Minhaj Al-Abidin that the litmus test to check if you are sincere in your deed is by asking yourself, "would one drop hints of one's shameful deeds the same way one drop hints about one's good deeds?" 

in Tareem, when one does a service towards others, there is no expectations to have your good deed reciprocated.. one is tremendously grateful to Allah that HE gave the chance to be of khidmah towards HIS creations. here though, you kinda owe your life accepting favors from others. wah piang.

your ears are so used to dhikir and words of benefit that being back here means you get to wonder why affairs of the ultimate unnecessary can lead to endless chatter gossip and you get seriously annoyed at yourself for being associated or worse, actually being the topic of conversation #sad

of course you then reminisce lessons from Bidayatul Hidayah that Allah reflects you own heart in your sight towards others. you see good, you have good.. you see bad, hello.. you have bad in you babe. and so you turn yourself away from these people whose characteristics you are disgusted with cuz truthfully you couldn't stand witnessing your own characteristics mirrored in front of you. depressing i know but its needed #stepstowardshumilty

Tareem is in your heart. you have never actually left that place.. constantly have me-time to revisit those moments through consistent practice. not merely practicing the good but practicing really hard at leaving the bad. jihaadatun nafs.. Tareem has gifted your heart with this knowledge. honestly, when you do falter, snap out of it quick -ok fine, i sometimes give myself a day to play victim in despair- then get up and move on.. the journey has never ended.