29th post - self doubts will always be part and parcel in the journey of seeking sacred knowledge and in the path of practicing what has been taught.. trust me, its temporary; its part of character building in having not only belief but TRUST in Allah and the ways taught by Rasulullah s.a.w. I am always grateful to have be taught about DAILY istikharahs (the simplest of 2 sunnah rakaat; done just after solatul dhuha to seek guidance in one's daily steps); the one big lesson Habib Umar bin Hafidz equips his students with.

the group of new Daruz Zahra students from Singapore will be leaving for Tareem in about a week's time. it is the titled advice too that i extended to them during a union of not only the new girls & their mothers but also *smiles* my juniors who has just returned for the Ramadhan/Syawal holiday break.

the look of Nur on these blessed people, especially the ones who just returned. their kind hearts are reflected in the glow of their faces and their inner strength and knowledge clearly depicted in their mannerisms. confidence is never loud; rarely in words and strength exuding from softness is a sight to behold. they are still my annoying sisters -haha- but they too are the ones that share bonds deep that can't be explained in words. i am forever grateful to Allah.

i remember a time when my life changed 360deg; my outward form changed seemingly at an instant. many could not decipher and words of hurt and sarcasm were always hurled. at that time, no one felt as i did about learning the deen.. especially about the desire to learn Al-Quran. slowly but surely i distanced myself from them cuz i needed to explore this change with only one voice in my head and heart.. Allah's.

always though i maintained as much civility as i could and in my heart i intended, i will come back to them when Allah deems me ready to be able to reciprocate bad with kindness no matter the circumstances. there is much wisdom in that lesson.. there is much blessings in following that path.. the path of having the adab (etiquette) of being kind towards the creation of Allah. interestingly though, so far those whom Allah chose to come back to my life; they are actually the ones who have never made much hoopla of my change.. they have just been there; encouraging and been around somewhere... just not physically there... yet always in my du'a.

an old friend of mine recently said, "you went MiA for so long.." almost 5 years oh yes i did.. i have friends from the past that have returned to my life though oddly the only effort i made in rekindling per se was my du'a to have people from my past of whom i admired for their best of characters to come back to me... somewhat fulfilled mashaAllah. 

it is amazing how certain things just stood still for that 5 years and coming back to it just felt.. natural. they are reminders of what i was before.. i am now more comfortable being in my own skin; skin freckled from the past and renewed from experience and exposure to the goodness of a new circle of companions who continue to amaze me with their wisdom. 

i am still learning the art of choosing the best of companions which includes family. i have always been wary about cutting ties -which i never want to do- but Alhamdulillah with istikharah and istisharah (seeking council/advice from teachers/learned ones).. the knowledge to stand firm on my beliefs has been given Ease from Allah. thank you my dear Dada for this brilliant advice..

"Bismillah. Yes kak. Do it. Walk away from d person with the intention to reflect, to improve our akhlak , to purify our hearts. InsyaAllah there's a valuable lesson for us. Especially in getting to know ourselves better and hence bringing us closer to Allah. Apapun kak.. kite masih belum ada akhlak yang baik kalau kite tak mampu untuk balas akhlak yg baik kepada org yang berakhlak buruk dgn kita. Just like Rasulullah. Still a long way to go kan kak.. tapi i feel that's my biggest motivation.. so that i won't easily fall complacent.. so in the journey, at times it's best to walk away and free our soul "

seeking council from your learned companions.. amazing aye. it just lifted a heaviness i didn't even knew existed. that advice was so soothing mashaAllah. im like, Dadaa.. pandainya kau.. :)

there are many characters you get to learn from especially from the less than savory ones. in my line of work, the people i have to face daily can pose quite a challenge but it is my onus to always have good thoughts upon them as it is their dire and most times very sad circumstances that made them the way they are. this thought will always then help me to still strive to be patient in handling the situation and be of every help i could be. best part is, my team consists of learned ones of whom i did at one time before leaving for Tareem wish to be a part of. in fact it was one of their traits that got me affirmed in seeking sacred knowledge cuz i want to have that best of character in me as well.

it is a big gift from Allah that i am not only back at the place that kicked off my new learning journey but that i am now a part of a team which allows me to leave home with intentions to not only be of khidmah to my community but more importantly with intentions of a tholibul ilm in seeking knowledge from learned seniors; teachers in their own right who are also now my good friends mashaAllah.

in my own personal life though, i take a while to "get it".. but when i do, i get to choose to be with the ones with the best of characters; muslims or non-muslims, friends or family.. people who when speaking are sincere and kind; truthful yet infused with the best of wisdom and etiquette. humble. the tongue is attached to the heart thus words are a clear indication of the state of one's heart.

these too, are people whom I know will be of benefit to not only better shape my well being but be of great help in helping the society in need. people who walk the talk. people with a purpose in life. Alhamdulillah for the goodness You have and will always continue to surround me with.