cuz i am but human. an insan whom by its very meaning, forgets.
my journey plans to Tarim seems to progress well.. the administrative fee of USD50 have been handed to the Tarim-Singapore administrator's family here upon his text request yesterday. Alhamdulillah.. the process has been well handled.. since i was accepted in Dar Al-Zahra early this year, i pretty much did nothing except wait with bated breaths of du'a.
in the journey towards Tarim, much (understatment) has occured.. in 7 months, mashaAllah my household went into a roller coaster of emotionally-taxing events.. always during the process, we mouthed Alhamdulillah for lessons Allah lets us immerse in, bile as it may taste at first bite... and just when it seems life's back to "normal".. another bout casts a familiar shadow of doubt on my decision.
yes, my family supports me, are pleased with my plans but there is such a thing as timing. i faced self-torment of selfish self-labelling by still being in the planning of Tarim. do i really need to go when tender family events looms? i love my family... i can't bear to tear away at this moment where emotional support for each other is greatly needed.
thats when i despaired but thats when too i got reminded of a lesson to trust Allah's management of my life. i can plan i can worry i can fuss the world over.. but ultimately its in Allah's hand to manage.
Allah is the Best of Planners.. HE plans my life as a Master dictates HiS servants' schedule.. authoritative as it sound, im just REALLY glad i can depend on Allah. people dissapoint.. Allah doesn't. HE just doesn't.
so my worries on family.. on my risking career opportunities at its heightened best.. on worrying of future financial affairs; the supposed stability society seeks.. well, there are just that; plain worries. in short, saya takut dengan bayang bayang saya sendiri.. my unease and despair are caused by own scary shadows.. my worries have yet to take shape but it has allowed esteem bashing so bad i paralysed myself from even seeing possibilities.
hypothetically speaking, if i was in trouble and i knew of a mighty trustworthy and reliable person whom i could depend on, i'd darn well be eased... well then Dora, this is Allah.. shouldn't the trust be more affirmative?
hypothetically speaking, if i was in trouble and i knew of a mighty trustworthy and reliable person whom i could depend on, i'd darn well be eased... well then Dora, this is Allah.. shouldn't the trust be more affirmative?
and so a day at a time i take... with clarity in the term, "trust Allah and everything else will fall into place".
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