13th post - death is inevitable.. as my good teacher, Ustadh Zahid Zin (may Allah provide him Jannah without hisab.. Amin.) mentioned, it is a ni'mah... a step towards meeting our beloved leader, Rasulullah s.a.w... towards leaving the temporary and existing in forever... a closer step to meeting Allah.. even so, why then can't we let go?

my du'a was, "Ya Allah, provide her ease Ya Rabb. if it pleases you to have her meet You then make ease for her to go but if there is hayat still for her in this dunya then make ease for her too, to recover well... we seek You to provide her and our family with forgiveness from our sins and rewards in replacement of this trial You have presented us... for our hearts to be provided rizq of hikmah and hidayah.. for You are All Mighty and You are Wise.. and You as i have known but lack still in belief through my own weakness of faith, is most definitely the Best of Planners. Amin."

am i stone hearted? نعوذ بالله من ذلك  (we seek protection from Allah from that -befalling us-. amin.) an entire night i spent tossing and turning contemplating the state of my heart... that i may or actually have grudge *istighfars*... if it happened to someone even closer to me, how would i react? still quietly going about my day? am i that detached towards people? now that worries me a whole lot cuz when i seem to not potray openly utmost care and concern on par with society's norm, i wonder what that says about state of my heart?

i can't comprehend why it is hard to let go of people thus the stone-hearted self questioning. sad yes, disheartened.. why, i wonder. is that not self fulfilling for a person to want another to be by their side for mere companionship & use? what about dependence on Allah?

may Allah guide this heart to reason. amin Ya rabb.