38th post - my intention is to tell anyone out there.. there are marriages which starts of rough (like, eh?! aper ni? where honeymoon period?).. gets REALLY rough BUT it sure DOES get better.. it does get CALMER.

in the midst of it all.. always be honest in your private conversations with Allah.

my husband came home with a throbbing headache.. his face pale.. for once he said he did not want to watch TV "to relax" as he usually does.. he went to bed quiet then out of the blue he turned and said.. "i am happy to have met you. i feel happy you are my wife.. i love you.. so much."

i honestly thought he might die in his sleep.

then i thought urm, maybe i'm the one that might be dying in my sleep contented that i will meet Allah in the best of state cuz my husband is happy with me.

nobody's dead as of this morning though.

hah.

marriage is a journey.. a partnership where both individuals need to have at least that raheem (mercy) between each other. to understand we both have flaws but we both are as well with some good to contribute to each other's wellness.

Allah starts off introducing himself in Al-Quran with the Basmalah.. telling us HE is the Most Compassionate and Most Merciful so if you are expecting HIS mercy with all that crap we do on a daily basis.. how can you not be merciful towards HiS creations.. especially the one HE has gifted to you in a form of a spouse.

we both have started talking about that mental picture in our mind of what we envisioned our early retirement will be.. where we will be.. how healthy we can be.. how calm in assurance we can be.

mine is with the sounds of calm waves and chirping of seagulls.. sipping my favourite tea in my home balcony appreciating the calm of the ocean and crisp fresh cool air.

i see my husband behind my open balcony happily fixing his favourite fruit salad and mighty herbal brew over the white marble kitchen island in my dreamy open concept kitchen.

his mental picture? is feeling the Kaabah in his palms & cheeks.

ok. now i feel spiritual shamed for not thinking of religious aspirations. heh.

we think that when we do istikharah prior to marriage, we are set to be in a successful happy lasting marriage.. that is unrealistic expectations.. we will then question ourselves when the tide gets rough. how many marriages i have seen in my line of work that end in divorces and the worst of court cases even after the "assurance" of istikharah?

istikharah is your guide then.. an assurance that a choice is made with His Guidance. success or failure is our own perception towards a situation. be assured that everything happens ONLY by HiS permission and it happens FOR us not to us. there is always lesson learnt, characters to be developed and wisdom to understand and tranquility in acceptance.

all i can say is marriage does not start after SAH! or "i do"... it starts when you look at your spouse and say, "how the bleep did i marry this person?"

tu pasal aku cakap.. mesti ader sifat Raheem. dia pun manusia. dia pun buat salah. samer lah kiter pun. paham tak? =)

37th post - thank you to the enquirer "Unknown" for your question. it is always a good moment when i get to stop and breathe my Tareem memoirs back to this current moment. one can get so caught up in the busy of life.. the heartbreak of disappointments.. the state where you could only say Allaaaaaahhhh... then HE sends an Unknown to remind you of the sweetness that life could offer.. Tareem was and still is (in my heart) a sweetness i carry but sometimes forget.. SubhanAllah.

Unknown said...

Is Tarim safe to travel these days? It seems like you've been there at the height of the war. So from your experiences, what was it like?
November 24, 2018 at 5:55 PM

dorayuana said...

safety is something nobody can guarantee.. honestly who could. 

i assure you, though in literal words it seemed the phrases such as, "war", "detained at Oman borders for 3days", "a night spent in orange hued skyline of sandstorm & whatever heavy thumped sound in the ground that was", "histeria of buses arranged by concerned countries to get their citizens out", "detained at singapore airport for an hour just to wait for an officer to question what were you doing in Yemen"... i would still firmly say my journey was something i would treasure in the path of seeking sacred knowledge. the phrases might sound dramatic but having gone through it, it really was not at all what it hyped up to be.

for one, amongst all the histeria, Tareem was still calm with nothingness.. and we still had exams going on.. my ustadha still waited for me to come up to her for my day's worth of Quran memorisation.. so much for "war" lah. 

i was safe, always fed well and taken care of no matter what situation i might have been in.. do note i have asthma and even when i got sick.. medical attention was always around alongside pure Yemen honey and seemingly a lifetime supply of habbatusSauda'. 

i have never known what a privilege it was being a woman in Islam until i set my path to Tareem and i never knew the beauty of a muslim man's heart that exudes in character until i got to know Tarimis. sincerity is an understatment.

yes life was hard there in comparison to norms and conveniences of the western world but nowhere else have i ever witnessed pure hearts so attached to the deen. i make du'a everyone of us will get to witness it so much so we get to a point of clarity and go, "huh? what do you mean war?"

these are my personal experiences. it may sound airy fairy or downright delusional to most (i assure you i am the last person to be airy fairy about the deen.. im too practical of a person to ever be that).. but i assure you it is the best decision i made to "halt my normal life" for 3years in pursuit of the gems in Tareem. istikharah.. istisharah (where i got my parents' -read, MOM- blessings).. and tawakkal.

honestly when i got back to Singapore i jumped right back to where i was before.. only much more fulfilled as a human being (and weirdly albeit my absence, i was given a better position and better pay upon my return). i went Tareem not concerning myself of the validity of a certificate from the "not-recognised-by-Singapore-standards school" so i was not expecting any "returns" career wise upon my return. 

much to my amazement mashaAllah, Allah gave me much more.. not only the sacred knowledge i thirst for but in my career as well. Allah is THAT generous YaKareem.

i finally knew my purpose.. i finally knew Allah has always been the one taking care of me.. of everything.. and that my dear enquirer.. is an assurance that everything can go wrong.. but it is actually just about right. go figure.

Allah make ease for you.

36th post - honestly we have no skills UNTIL your intentions are rightfully urm.. right and mashaAllah BOOM you can cook. true story.

the kitchen and me have never been friends. its a Singaporean thing of this generation. back in Tareem, Singaporean girls were often the organised ones.. the ones with ziplock.. the ones who could clean up an entire moulding luggage basement storage and then treat ourselves with our self brought pharmacy to ease the sinus post the clean-up. KITCHEN though, nah.. never us. well maybe just the cleaning part. paham sangat kanaannn..

it was during the Western Summer Dowra in 2014, i learnt that Allah will not necessarily bestow you skills you want but when you made intentions on khidmah.. of being in service towards others, you will suddenly i.e. know how to make cookies to soften the blow of your peers who being in a foreign land, has made them crumble physically and emotionally. you will be amazed then how mere home made cookies makes one feel sincere gratitude towards Allah.

the last i baked was due to school curriculum yet suddenly the 2 minute memory of seeing a Brit schoolmate making apple crumble coupled with another minute flashback of a home economics lesson almost 2 decades ago on rubbing-in-method brought smiles to weary Dowra students. nobody believed me.. heck i didn't believe me. Dada with her Indomie murtabak and rice pudding.. and heiiiii... banat Sangaphura can cook leh.

i was on the kitchen floor with an Aussie convert one time.. a conversation so heartbreaking it stumped me. i had nothing to ease her pain.. what did i have though? a story of realisation that Allah has your back no matter what. i then realised why i got so sick back during school term. i understood her pain. i then shared truthfully my kitchen whip-ups were only practiced during the course of being here.. in the Dowra house. my sharing on intentions and that Allah gives the most wonderous of skills  to equip us in this journey when we work on our intentions.. was then sealed with a hug.

it was my happiest of honour just being the domestic help in the Dowra house. i didn't know how.. i doubted i could.. because i was always physically the weak and sick one in DaruzZahra. i was just honestly happy i finally could be a normal banat DZ who could be of khidmah towards others.. like the rest of banat DZ in school. i just relied on what i learnt.. that hadith on intentions and depending on Allah. cliche? the cringe-iest i'd say but also the the most woke i'd ever been.

i told her.. i have no skills but Allah made me look so cool letting you girls think i got all these figured out. it is the rizq of these special people (her!) that i had the best of health and ability to be a khadimah to them.. even suddenly knowing how to make apple crumble and cookies.

i never got back to the kitchen after that time.. especially being back in Singapore, working and all. marriage then came and i thought, how hard can it be? IT IS OK. for our first home cooked meal, i did mushy rice, grilled salmon that was still ice cold raw on the inside and a sad excuse for stir-fry vegetables.

and yes too i made his favourite red-collared white-polo shirt, blue. BLUE. 

my husband tried to make a joke to pacify me.. on how he ever watched a classic comedy that depicts the life of a newly wed and said the exact same thing happened and that "its normal baby". i still felt like crap though.

i felt lost. i then pulled myself back.. started spending time with me and with Allah.. i took my time in my solah even if i had 5 minutes.. to be present in that 5 minutes.. like back in Tareem. only in Tareem it was a whole lot easier this khusyu' thingy. i just no longer want to be overwhelmed and i stopped seeing myself as a victim.. as someone going through the day balled up in complains of being tired. i imagined "overwhelm" as a prism block that i could see and contain in front of my face. doesn't seem to be overwhelming when you visualize it as something you can contain.. something you can control and then i started to believe i can get a grip on my life. 

i thought about my intentions towards my husband.. towards being married.. that it should be ok for my spouse to see me as someone who is not perfect. i wanted to be ok in being someone who doesn't know how to be a wife yet but is learning and was ok for the moment that i do suck at being a wife. i stopped wanting to prove myself to him and start believing in his assurances that it is ok to make his shirt blue.. ok in not being able to cook well. ok in being human.

as soon as i got that in my head.. i was "bestowed" this blessed 2 months of hospitalisation leave.. my lower abs still pricks like a mother but i now have the rizq of time. of course you need intentions.. but you also need Allah to back you up and give you the rizq of time to practice dem cooking skills. this time though, i recognise this feeling when i'm in the kitchen.. the same feeling i had back in the Dowra house.. that the meals i prepare are with Allah in mind.. in heart.

and thank you youtube... 

thank you AbangGordonRamsey... 

thank you KakNigellaLawson... 

thank you Tasty channel...

and THANK YOU الحمد لله ربّ العالمين‎

 for a husband who has no clue what asam pedas is.

35th post - a married heart has that indescribable tranquility.. mashaAllah. i wish it upon every believing Muslim. ameen.

on 31 December 2016 almost a year ago, i wrote in my private diary in the confines and tranquility of this blessed place.. "Ya Allah, someone else will come right? and he will feel like the luckiest and happiest man alive.. why? because i am his wife. Amin. alhamdulillah for this blessed year." 

i wrapped up 2016 in tears of redha.. telling myself i will be ok.. to hold on tight to whatever little knowledge i learnt in Tareem.. surah As-Syarh was constantly repeated in my heart.. a reminder that being in tribulation just means i am in waiting for my ease. i pat my heart and said.. be still.. this too shall pass and you will come to a point one day that you will be grateful sincerely this ruckus happened.

i had flashbacks of life in Tareem.. da'wah trip in Inat especially.. worse *cringe* and best days of my life.. i then told myself, i survived Tareem in earnest Alhamdulillah, mashaAllah.. and came out of it knowing fully well how to depend on Allah.. time to RE-apply what i learnt. i proceeded (read:- forced myself) to list all things good that happened in 2016 and was still happening in my life then.. being grateful despite.

i turned 37 in September 2017 and i became a wife to a beautiful heart named Mohamed. mashaAllah. the legal union happened 3 months from the ta'aruf. within a month of family's blessings.. i had a proper Malay wedding organised by family and friends.. like proper pelamin.. baju nikah songket sanding sirih dara pulut kuning and abg2 silat proper wedding. MASHAALLAH. MASHAALLAH. MASHAALLAH. surun surun surun #habitbanatDZ. heh.

me and my husband had no part in it at all. its called hadirkan badan aje. heran? tak. moral of the story; with any decision to make there are 2 that needs to be in place.. 1) redha from Allah 2) redha from mothers (biological or not) and for those whose mothers have passed -Allah grants them Jannah- seek your blessed trusted teachers. the rest will then fall nicely in.

the very lesson i learnt in my path to Tareem.

we wanted baraqah in our life.. to not be in a state of anywhere near vice.. to love halalal wa taiyiban. all we had were strong intentions. Allah knows how strong those intentions were and Alhamdulillah it was in line with what Allah wanted for us. we always reminded each other about this. always we say mashaAllah ever speechless in gratitude.

Ya Rabbi.. may all the singles be granted ease and guidance in gaining your Your Gaze of Rahmah in their search for a blessed marriage.. may they never lose hope and for them to always be reminded to make du'a for their future spouse ESPECIALLY if they do not know who or where they are. Ameen.

why make du'a for a person you don't even know if he or she exists? its called tawakkal and a test of faith on knowledge that Allah words are true.. that HE made us as a pair. 

34h post - when something triggers your unhappiness, visit it. Even if you don’t know how to fix it yet, recognize that, "I’m not feeling OK."

“When something triggers your unhappiness, visit it,” Gawdat

its like thinking back to what you ate when you start to feel a stomachache.. even if you don’t know how to fix it yet, recognize that, "I’m not feeling OK." 37th year of ah-ha momentness.. if there is such a word.

will 17 October happen? it will; Alhamdulillah.. it won't; Alhamdulillah. its not about making mistakes, its about being assured that even if you make mistakes, you will be able to grow through it; better.

you lived through the process of Tareem; so really, be assured Allah has always and will always have your back. if its meant to be, it will never miss you. we learn, we grow and we help others later to learn and grow from similar experiences as well. visit the pain and ask.. "so, amaciaamm.."

33rd post - 6 months came and went.. the impact.. surreal. honestly when Allah says, "that is MY decision for you.." you'll let go.. sooner or later. be happy that the choice was not yours.. it was Allah's and be assured that from obeying HiS command, much rewards will surface.. and with redha (slowly but surely) you will learn to grow with the pain and appreciate the lessons learnt as treasured gifts.

6 months.. i am thoroughly exhausted. alhamdulillah. i can feel it. the exhaustion.. physically and spiritually. between that ruckus and my 7-day workweek for the year.. i have yet to stop. i just kept on going. this would be my first "stop" for the year.. i love coming here to invigilate exams.. its my breather.. everything's quiet in the 2-hrs.. well, except when the paper is in Arabic and questions on what this or that word means.. is recurrent throughout the period. then i cannot blog lor..

at one point i did get scared i might crumble from the awful, literal "pain".. especially that time.. but Allah's creations are in pairs and with hardship comes ease.. walking pass the glass library then.. seeing Mufti seated facing the shelf of books immersed in research for the good of our community.. his expression "heavy" yet there is an aura of soothe that surrounded him.. a soothe i needed for that while. i stopped in my tracks and tears welled in my eyes.. just a glance of Allah's Nur that dressed this blessed scholar, lifted my moment's gloom.. and went along my day, i did. felt a little silly though cuz in comparison to his, my "life challenges" are a speck.

thankfully too, dinner with my godparents before they flew off to NZ was a much needed positive surge to carry on with my chin up. always could count on Mom for good vibes.. she's like a walking dictionary of morale booster quotes and Ayah's words of.. "don't rush.." reasonated well with me.

guess i felt like a ticking time bomb of late.. i had a constant soft nudge of a voice in me.. telling me to slow down and take time to heal this.. that if i don't.. i might just.. break. alhamdulillah for Allah's gems HE surrounds me with though and today upon hearing the possibility of the 3-week Visit Tareem that falls nicely on those dates.. i had a little glimmer of understanding why i had to go through what i did and inshaAllah.. that time will then be my rest.. my soul food replenishment.. my reflect mode. i might just go on a crying binge then.. but i know it will be for gratitude of understanding.

they say when your heart gets stomped at, that excruciating pain.. you wonder if you'll ever make it..

you will. 

the pain is just different after a while.
embrace the pain and grow with it.

the trick is, every morning, just get dressed and be out there.. never be afraid of the emotional roller coaster throughout the day (read; days) cuz for one thing, PMS is bleedy (no pun intended, betol) real. be grateful for what you have currently.. in this present moment.. be it that new system to focus on at work.. those teenagers to geleng the kepala at when they turn up for class in tapered pants -ikr-... people who unknowingly are your rock.. then later on down the road, you will know why you had to go through it and as life has taught me so far, it won't matter by then. #ahhaamoment

this is dunya.. as what Sheikh Hamza Yusuf used to say (like omg can you believe he is coming).. the dunya is designed to break your heart. Ya Allah, don't make this dunya my biggest concern. i try to dispense this concept to my "weekend children".. timingly.. i.e. when their beloved, majestically expensive ear phones goes missing.

 i swear.. SO cute. hah.

32nd post - when you are surrounded by friends whom you know are special.. really really special in their ranks with Allah, you say MashaAllah.. Alhamdulillah and strive on with a heartfelt Bismillah.

i was reading the letter -like an actual letter- post mailed -i mean seriously who does that anymore- by my mate Elly *go Rosyth!*.. typically she will be jet setting around the world but she still remembers my birthday. the last i saw her was at her swanky pad before i left for Tareem and always i kept her in my du'a throughout my years there. 30 years of friendship.. she didn't need to go to Tareem to be given the wisdom of what companionship is all about. she has this humble desire to learn the true ways of Islam and humble is what she is albeit her independent Sascha-Fierce ways.

Allah gifts us special friends to "accompany" us in this journey called life. make loads of du'a to be surrounded by the most blessed of heart companions in the form of friendship or teachers. this is WAY different from the must-always-meet/contact-to-catch-up.. must-always-be-around-for-each-other culture-influenced relationships. on the other hand the companionship i was referring to comes with benefits for the akhirah.. just by the mere thought of them gives one strong boosts of esteem needed to tell yourself, "ok, we -as in me and the 4-languaged voices in my head; don't ask- are good now.. let's refocus on our purpose here in this dunya.." *cue clap clap & new zealand blacks firm holler* i have a weird thing for them. apsal seh dora. ok, bygones.

in my own personal journey i realized it takes a whole lot of self-cleansing just to gain a glimpse of their works or their companionship. they aid you in the path of pursuing better in life and for that Allah makes you remember and mouth every single one of their names in your du'a cuz really, their aid is at times a touch-and-go yet leaves a lasting impressions.

the APEX mentors.. my first brush with madrasah students in the blessed environment of WakTanjong.. the sajadah lady in Masjidun Nabawi.. amazing personalities i call colleagues AND good friends.. the Canadian Dowra heroes in AbuDhabi.. the Aussie converts.. Allah yaftah 'alaihum.  

Alfi Sanaa.. my bunk mate from Indonesia. she passed me a note recently via a Singaporean student returning for the holidays with some selawat water in her bottle. she wrote that though i have left her physically she reminded me that we are strongly linked in our hearts and du'a for each other. she was the one i could count on before for ihya al-lail on blessed days to join me for solatul hajat for my personal of reasons. this was our way of helping each other.. this was and still is our friendship.. the link is our teacher Habib Umar bin Hafiz who is really (like aahhmagawddd) present in our subconscious -SO don't know how to explain it well-.. the core is Rasulullah s.a.w. and the goal is always Allah.

i knew Thana back in Tareem. her calm yet cheery cheeky outlook towards life is heartwarming.. one would not even begin to think she had any less despite the cute hearings aids she has to wear. she read lips well.. too well.. lolz. she has since returned to UK and every Friday with the best of intentions, she texts me hadith or an Al-Quran verse for fawaidh.

she doesn't know this but it is always very suited for my current state at the time except 2 weeks ago when she sent me a verse about grieving and i remembered telling myself.. "urm, im quite over the moon in my "new world" now.. what grieving?" yet today... i asked her for the verse again..

cuz i needed it.

Dada.. she is Allah's mercy upon me mashaAllah. cuz she is in Singapore with me. yay. well, at least for now. it is akin to having DaruzZahra resident teachers who are ever ready to extend answers to you at any time of the day and to provide you with slaps (of course not literally) to wake you from unnecessary emotional indulgence. 

oh yes, we terrorize our residents teachers almost on a daily basis back in the Dar to entertain our most quizzical of questions and decipher our oddest of dreams. we were always welcomed with their ever patient ever knowledgeable ever delicate ways which always leaves us ever weirded out ever whoaaa.. that they always have the best of solutions. mashaAllah.. surun 3x (uh i was itching to say that. heh.) 

my question this time round was with regards to a video on Al-Quran negating sadness and how Rasulullah s.a.w. made du'a to be protected from worry and sadness (i actually make that du'a post every solah without immersing its meaning till now).. and as usual Dora needs tafseer & tadzkirah.. and that is why i say Allah is Most Merciful for having Dada at arm's length. i was a wee bit confused cuz we learnt that heartbreaks and tears are one of the ways to a softer heart.. a heart of Nur.. a heart embedded with Al-Quran so Dada explained.. 

This is sadness yg dtg from our disappointments in life. From not achieving or getting what we want. But sadness for Allah and complaining that sadness to Allah is a good thing. Likd nabi ya'qoub in the Quran says: i complain my sorrow and my sadness only to you my Lord. 

Rasulullah sollahu alaihi wassalam said to Sayyiduna Abu Bakr like what is mentioned in the Quran. Don't be sad Allah is with us. So both sadness pun from Allah. But the sadness that is forbidden when it is not for him and you don't go back to him. And this becomes the door for syaitan to enter.   

And both sadness may look the same. But in reality the hearts whom is beating of Allah's name is not the same with the hearts whose grieve engulfs them and make them forget Allah the Almighty 

mashaAllah they actually think alike.. somewhat conspiring to make me feel better without realizing it.. now how can you not believe in the Greatness that is Allah? *wipes tears*

gawd PMS is for real.