38th post - my intention is to tell anyone out there.. there are marriages which starts of rough (like, eh?! aper ni? where honeymoon period?).. gets REALLY rough BUT it sure DOES get better.. it does get CALMER.

in the midst of it all.. always be honest in your private conversations with Allah.

my husband came home with a throbbing headache.. his face pale.. for once he said he did not want to watch TV "to relax" as he usually does.. he went to bed quiet then out of the blue he turned and said.. "i am happy to have met you. i feel happy you are my wife.. i love you.. so much."

i honestly thought he might die in his sleep.

then i thought urm, maybe i'm the one that might be dying in my sleep contented that i will meet Allah in the best of state cuz my husband is happy with me.

nobody's dead as of this morning though.

hah.

marriage is a journey.. a partnership where both individuals need to have at least that raheem (mercy) between each other. to understand we both have flaws but we both are as well with some good to contribute to each other's wellness.

Allah starts off introducing himself in Al-Quran with the Basmalah.. telling us HE is the Most Compassionate and Most Merciful so if you are expecting HIS mercy with all that crap we do on a daily basis.. how can you not be merciful towards HiS creations.. especially the one HE has gifted to you in a form of a spouse.

we both have started talking about that mental picture in our mind of what we envisioned our early retirement will be.. where we will be.. how healthy we can be.. how calm in assurance we can be.

mine is with the sounds of calm waves and chirping of seagulls.. sipping my favourite tea in my home balcony appreciating the calm of the ocean and crisp fresh cool air.

i see my husband behind my open balcony happily fixing his favourite fruit salad and mighty herbal brew over the white marble kitchen island in my dreamy open concept kitchen.

his mental picture? is feeling the Kaabah in his palms & cheeks.

ok. now i feel spiritual shamed for not thinking of religious aspirations. heh.

we think that when we do istikharah prior to marriage, we are set to be in a successful happy lasting marriage.. that is unrealistic expectations.. we will then question ourselves when the tide gets rough. how many marriages i have seen in my line of work that end in divorces and the worst of court cases even after the "assurance" of istikharah?

istikharah is your guide then.. an assurance that a choice is made with His Guidance. success or failure is our own perception towards a situation. be assured that everything happens ONLY by HiS permission and it happens FOR us not to us. there is always lesson learnt, characters to be developed and wisdom to understand and tranquility in acceptance.

all i can say is marriage does not start after SAH! or "i do"... it starts when you look at your spouse and say, "how the bleep did i marry this person?"

tu pasal aku cakap.. mesti ader sifat Raheem. dia pun manusia. dia pun buat salah. samer lah kiter pun. paham tak? =)