33rd post - 6 months came and went.. the impact.. surreal. honestly when Allah says, "that is MY decision for you.." you'll let go.. sooner or later. be happy that the choice was not yours.. it was Allah's and be assured that from obeying HiS command, much rewards will surface.. and with redha (slowly but surely) you will learn to grow with the pain and appreciate the lessons learnt as treasured gifts.

6 months.. i am thoroughly exhausted. alhamdulillah. i can feel it. the exhaustion.. physically and spiritually. between that ruckus and my 7-day workweek for the year.. i have yet to stop. i just kept on going. this would be my first "stop" for the year.. i love coming here to invigilate exams.. its my breather.. everything's quiet in the 2-hrs.. well, except when the paper is in Arabic and questions on what this or that word means.. is recurrent throughout the period. then i cannot blog lor..

at one point i did get scared i might crumble from the awful, literal "pain".. especially that time.. but Allah's creations are in pairs and with hardship comes ease.. walking pass the glass library then.. seeing Mufti seated facing the shelf of books immersed in research for the good of our community.. his expression "heavy" yet there is an aura of soothe that surrounded him.. a soothe i needed for that while. i stopped in my tracks and tears welled in my eyes.. just a glance of Allah's Nur that dressed this blessed scholar, lifted my moment's gloom.. and went along my day, i did. felt a little silly though cuz in comparison to his, my "life challenges" are a speck.

thankfully too, dinner with my godparents before they flew off to NZ was a much needed positive surge to carry on with my chin up. always could count on Mom for good vibes.. she's like a walking dictionary of morale booster quotes and Ayah's words of.. "don't rush.." reasonated well with me.

guess i felt like a ticking time bomb of late.. i had a constant soft nudge of a voice in me.. telling me to slow down and take time to heal this.. that if i don't.. i might just.. break. alhamdulillah for Allah's gems HE surrounds me with though and today upon hearing the possibility of the 3-week Visit Tareem that falls nicely on those dates.. i had a little glimmer of understanding why i had to go through what i did and inshaAllah.. that time will then be my rest.. my soul food replenishment.. my reflect mode. i might just go on a crying binge then.. but i know it will be for gratitude of understanding.

they say when your heart gets stomped at, that excruciating pain.. you wonder if you'll ever make it..

you will. 

the pain is just different after a while.
embrace the pain and grow with it.

the trick is, every morning, just get dressed and be out there.. never be afraid of the emotional roller coaster throughout the day (read; days) cuz for one thing, PMS is bleedy (no pun intended, betol) real. be grateful for what you have currently.. in this present moment.. be it that new system to focus on at work.. those teenagers to geleng the kepala at when they turn up for class in tapered pants -ikr-... people who unknowingly are your rock.. then later on down the road, you will know why you had to go through it and as life has taught me so far, it won't matter by then. #ahhaamoment

this is dunya.. as what Sheikh Hamza Yusuf used to say (like omg can you believe he is coming).. the dunya is designed to break your heart. Ya Allah, don't make this dunya my biggest concern. i try to dispense this concept to my "weekend children".. timingly.. i.e. when their beloved, majestically expensive ear phones goes missing.

 i swear.. SO cute. hah.