17th post - the good Habib Ali Al-Jiffry once said, "if you ever find yourself confused between two sides each saying they are on the truth, look at the characters of the two parties"... this post is to remind myself of those whom i have crossed paths with; the soft hearts and the deeply concerned, "but why Tarim, dora?"

quick check; i actually forgot that the answer lies in my very title. a simple; why not?

i remember my dear Along being numbed.. the next day, she said she can't explain why she's been literally crying easily eversince i told her im leaving for Tarim. we ended that whatsapp conversation with, "cuz you've heard of the goodness in Tarim.." of which she agreed happily.

as part of my work handover, i had to meet my project designers.. one such young lady was Nadzirah Hamzah. i knew her back during Apex days when i was scouting for a videographer for my English activity. two years later, a crashed laptop and an innocent text to me in hopes of retrieving her portfolio.. she then became one of my professional project designer. she would hurriedly deny that professional tag but really, her work ethics and actual work is commendable. anyway, when she was about to leave our meeting, her sincere hug came with even more sincere tears.. she said she was really happy for me and that one fine day she would want to study in DaruzZahra as well. she showed me a book by Ustadha Halimah Alaydrus... and i understood her tears.

shortly after that, post solah, i questioned my heart... pondering over Along & Nadzirah tears, i reflected my days when the mere voice of Habib Umar Al-Hafiz at Masjid Abdul Razak during his visit in 2010, ached my heart so much i cried. i was yearning to be a student of the Habaib and Hababah-s of Tarim.. to seek Islam in its purest form. how do i know that? cuz their characters and their adabs speak for themselves that's why. 

it finally dawned on me and i ached realising my current state... it struck me that these two years, i have somehow  hardened. i'd no longer feel "lost chance" (of praying jemaah) when im in a meeting though the adhan was softly heard from the next door masjid. people will still continue talking amidst the adhan and i'd no longer feel weirded out. Al-Quran verses would be played over a colleague's audio player amidst mindless chatter & laughter and all i could do is think to myself is "seriously Dora, what can i do?". i'd no longer heppp myself at an instant when im in chatty mode with a male colleague AND i caught myself catching some guy's eyes lah.. knowaddaimean *istighfars*... the saddest; backbiting would be rampant and i wouldn't have realised it until much later.

its like being immersed in an environment of no-no-s slowly but surely maketh dora ok-ok-can. geddit geddit? sure, the environment or the company i keep does not define me but it does shape me.. like it or not. even if i think i am not or won't be not affected, it does brush off a little on me... realised only upon reflection or (i have a gnawing feeling) visible to the eyes of onlookers. either way when given a chance to be in better surroundings always head to that better by Allah's guidance.. hijrah as what Cousin Melly had once adviced me. not cuz of being judgemental but cuz Allah has provided knowledge to evaluate what's best for me and my deen.

and then i realised Allah's generousity and will... all the reasons in the world won't make me go to Tarim, it is simply only by Allah's will. HE knows what and when it will be good for HiS creations.

my heart did yearn to be a good muslimah.. to be aware of Allah cuz being aware of Allah equals being Allah abiding thus a happier me. simply put, my tongue will halt from spouting anything negative much less backbite. sadly, along the way i made peace with atrocities. backbiting is major a no no but somehow it is accepted. there's even a "good" reason to backbite or a defensive denial of a blatant backbite.

i forgot my own self-appeasing i did before... in the initial stages of me practising ways to be good / religious (and trying to stay sane with all the nay sayers) others who backbite about me will still need to be appreciated as they are providing me their good deeds and simultaneosly my sins are being hurled for them to bear. i forgot how much that thought vice versa scared me off backbiting that even hearing gossip made me scurry away.

my reflections startled me. i was becoming unaware of heedlessness *istighfars*. i know i wana be good.. a good daughter, a good honest hard worker, a good friend but this tongue has been all of laments and complaints and bad thoughts of others/situations well in fact it was actually my own weakness and shortcomings. i forgot that all things happen for our own good cuz Allah is Wise. Allah's guidance as per what i have always made du'a for. so again dora, why the complaining and negativity?

when family and friends asked if i intended to be a religious teacher upon "graduating", i got stumped cuz i knew my intention was never that. i just wanted to be rid of diseases of my heart... to train my tongue and thoughts to be good. to be amongst good people so my own atrocities will be stark and hence i'll work hard to be Allah abiding.. inshaAllah. i want to seek Allah. i actually need.

so back to the two types of people i crossed paths with. i'd say be confused no more.. look at their characters. more likely i would want to be in the company of people whose hearts are soft and kind and their speech minimal... their speech if any is of happy and earnest gratefulness of daily blessings... people who when faced with hardships tend to look at their own weaknessness and strive to work towards being a better individual sincerely. this religion is a religion of adab towards Allah and HiS creation. the teachers of the Deen that i incline to, are them who are at the best of characters, their best of adabs... mashaAllah. i seek for Allah to provide me with such ni'mah. amin.

so seriously man, why would i not wana be in Tarim?